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Remy_Gnomes
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Name: kathleen
Birthday: 11/9/1988
Gender: Female
Interests: Music.
Expertise: Finding new and improved ways to procrastinate.
Occupation: Student
Industry: Nonprofit
Message: message meEmail: email me
Member Since:
10/7/2003
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| ...Hello. My name is Kathleen. It's nice to meet you.
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anyway, it feels like forever and a day since i've last used this "xanga" thing. took me a while to figure out where the damn "blog" button was.
while i was browsing through my previous entries i've come to realize that...i don't know how the majority of feelings are suppose to feel like. the most important one anyway, the feeling of love and being loved...
i wonder if i'm just that heartless that in order to stay with someone i'd get used to them, grow accustomed, and wait until they hurt me or i push them away.
monster.
i've gotten married and i have no flippin' idea why. he asked, i said "okay" and bam! done deal.
i don't understand.
why did i do that? what was i expecting? i don't feel anything. he says i love him and i roll with it.
that's so wrong...what am i doing? he's made all these plans for "us" and maybe i just like thinking that the future won't be as grim as i imagined mine would be.
i miss being twenty. i'm almost twenty one. i ask people what exactly i'm suppose to be doing at my age.
working, worrying about bills, not having much of a life. hah. like i had one before...i don't really understand what i'm doing. on a brighter note, i'm still working at the same dead-end job but found a new family.
it's nice to have someone to talk to in your native tounge- though i'm not very good at it.
anyway, this husband of mine, he's messy, dirty, fat, and cusses for no apparent reason but loves me with every beat of his heart. i'm not sure why, he says it's because i'm someone he can actually have a conversation with.
he is smart, caring, kind, sensitive, and spoils me when he can but then i wonder why i married him?
i don't believe in marriage for one thing and we've known each other for the majority of our marriage. i'm not sure if i'm happy. i know i'm not in love. i want to be twenty but life has made me grow up just way too soon.
maybe one day i'll understand why all these events happend to me. one day i'll say "ohhh that's why!" yeah...
all i've ever really wanted was actually, a true friend. i don't know what that's suppose to be. everyone i've met have well, yeah...you know the story. it's hard for me to meet good people that aren't trying to take advantage of me. trust is so hard.
i really wonder what life would of been like if i never moved the first time, if i just stayed in san jose...i wonder if i would have gotten closer to all the people i met in fremont...well, probably not them. actually, i still don't think i'd have friends. hah. life is a bitch.
i probably do these things to myself to begin with, i dig a deep hole for myself just to see if i can get back up. well, i'm ready to be buried.
damn.
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| i feel it's time to do some reflection again...or just vent about why the hell my life sucks...really though, why so emo? i try not to be, i try to accept life as it comes but i always wonder; what exactly am i living for? family, friends? people that don't exist in my life no matter how many times my acquaintances say so...those things just don't exist. i don't understand why i'm so damn lonely...is it because i don't like small talk? i don't like to be close to people because of countless attempts of leaning on another and having them destructively push me off a cliff landing in 50 feet of crap all by myself. why does it have to be this way? so alone...because i choose to be? countless memories of betrayal and realizing just how many people in this world are selfish, dependent, and egotistic. it sickens me. i refuse to become one of them, i refuse to surround myself of them...i suppose i do choose to be alone. it's not that people have to be worthy...i just want a small glipse of kindness, sensitivity, and open mindedness to shine through...is that too much to ask?
lately i've been encountering stupidity as an art of amusment. lyrics with sex, drugs, and more sex with infected whores in mini skirts. i've been wondering why it's so amusing...to sing about banging a woman in a certain position, why would you sing about meaningless scrabble with improper metaphors that produce crude images that would corrupt anyone with functioning braincells...why do people laugh? maybe my sense of humor has gone dry over the years of maturity i've had to quickly endure...
i don't know. i'm still wondering what's my purpose. to find a purpose? i know i'll never find true happiness. nothing has made me happy in such a long time, i think i've forgotten what it feels like. being forced to smile and act happy all day has transformed my vessel even more apathetic. didn't think it was possible.
why do i exist?
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| sometimes, i just can't believe how my life has turned out. i'm trying to find a place to live or else i'll be living in my car, i want to go to school and yet, work is more important because money is all that matters to live. it's really ironic that you need school to get a more productive job in which you can earn more money but if you have to support yourself you find that there just isn't enough hours in the day to accomplish what you sought out for. school, i don't even know why i'm going anymore. i want to do something i love so that i'd never have to work another day again but...i don't know what that is exactly and thus, i find myself lost. what am i doing? life seems so meaningless right now. it's a big struggle that i have no idea how to get out of unless someone is supporting me and yet, i can't let myself be supported by another..i'm stronger than that. i know i am. it's just hard. at times...i feel like giving up. i don't know what i'm living for. everything is just a big pile of crap and every time i think about it, it just makes me feel like breaking down. the past is past right? then why must it haunt me...the past makes what you are today...right? then why can't i be stronger...i want to be stronger. maybe it's the restaurant..the people that treat me like their slave - which i basically am one. maybe it's the relationship...the boyfriend that doesn't know how to care and is too stupid to heal my sadness. it hurts that no one can make me happy, that i haven't felt happiness in so long...can i even feel that anymore? i wonder..
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| another year gone. amazing.
life doesn't seem like it's changing much. time seems to be moving faster at the slowest pace...so unpredictable yet, i'm always stuck with the same problem - the only thing that's consistent in such an aggravating way. love life and school. the major that's going to give me millions, and the one person that drives me into a brick wall every time we have a conversation about something remotely intelligent....even things that aren't. talking just isn't one of his best qualities. *sigh*...and the school. such an idiotic way to give someone the opportunity to "be anything you want to be"...what does that even mean if you don't know what you want to be? i just want to make money to live...enough to not worry about "money" anymore and more about where i'd like to be living...some where peaceful where i can gather my thoughts and not be surrounded by strangers...such confusion.
is it too much to ask? to have someone i can talk to. why is that so hard to find....people are everywhere! i guess...being stuck with the same person for a year makes you grow accustom to their face...but is that a good thing? to love someone must feel amazing...but to be attached...that's something completely different...right? why must i always be stuck with lust...even when i don't want to...*sigh*...such childishness...so bothersome...
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| it's been a while... we had a halloween party last week on friday and that was a start of a renewed friendship between the new apartment and the people living in it. that party was pretty fun, i took one shot and was already done haha. more people came then expected and david got me a really revealing costume >_> well i thought it was but with all the compliments and stuff i didn't feel too bad in it haha. working at ding how is getting pretty old fast. the job isn't so bad, i mean it's really easy work but i just hate working for slave labor. i keep thinking i could make more money then i am right now and that bugs the livng hell out of me. i can't wait to find another job -_- i got my permit but haven't learned how to drive well yet...no one is willing to teach me and the people that are drive a stick shift so yeeeah...i need to get my license before my permit expires and i have to go through that hell once again. i could just save $230 for drivers training but that's like...two hundred and thrity dollars! haha. yeeeah... oh yeah, happy halloween :] wonder what's in store for today...hmm... | | |
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